Siamois
the rattling rage has kept me up for
for eons now
full up on tentative, loving
touches
after being unleashed
from his cage
in my chest
complacence comes
in the form of an
out-of-tune again
family of chords on a ukulele
strumming around
the concept of
shimmering, splendid
salvation
isolation is splendor,
a benevolent exhale
but you,
you are a slow waltz,
an even slower smile
I never stopped
loving you, and
you know it
the quiet terrors of being alive
let's admit without apologies,
the things we do to each other
the ones that never feel right
yet we're still doing them-
living in our worst parts
like spending half an hour
bumping into each and every reflection
in a five minute mirror maze
and realizing how small our hands and knees look
I want to tell you this story without
saying anything
if one day the tiles and street concrete
collapsed on my feet
and I fell through a hole in the ground,
I would keep falling.
when I reach the bottom,
if I do,
and I have,
the irony of the pain would be numbing
and the cold would feel like a red hot iron pan
against my face
I would have clawed my way up to the light
and turned my face frightened blue shielding my eyes
slowly stopping the ache
from the blinding Sun
maybe one day I'll wake up
with my shoes on the foot of the bed
and light streaming through the seams on my chest,
no longer weary that there is no other version
of this story than this
where I swallow your heart and it crawls back out of my throat
I am saying your name now
I try, I do
like animal nitrate on a Saturday night
your name like the shape of a cigarette,
a model in a magazine, the small rippling wave
of a kayak oar kissing the sea
I'm saying your name now like the things I invent
when I'm scared and want to be rescued
and in between the letters; it's always the same,
a boy in a blue wool knitted sweatshirt,
a girl singing simple songs of love and the tug
between her everlasting past and her present.
I'm sorry about the tears in your eyes
I wish they were mine
if the dead could see us, they would say your name louder
than I ever could
like a slap of gushing on the hull of a rocking boat
and I'm merely riding the tide
balanced on the biggest wave
the things we do to each other
the ones that never feel right
yet we're still doing them-
living in our worst parts
like spending half an hour
bumping into each and every reflection
in a five minute mirror maze
and realizing how small our hands and knees look
I want to tell you this story without
saying anything
if one day the tiles and street concrete
collapsed on my feet
and I fell through a hole in the ground,
I would keep falling.
when I reach the bottom,
if I do,
and I have,
the irony of the pain would be numbing
and the cold would feel like a red hot iron pan
against my face
I would have clawed my way up to the light
and turned my face frightened blue shielding my eyes
slowly stopping the ache
from the blinding Sun
maybe one day I'll wake up
with my shoes on the foot of the bed
and light streaming through the seams on my chest,
no longer weary that there is no other version
of this story than this
where I swallow your heart and it crawls back out of my throat
I am saying your name now
I try, I do
like animal nitrate on a Saturday night
your name like the shape of a cigarette,
a model in a magazine, the small rippling wave
of a kayak oar kissing the sea
I'm saying your name now like the things I invent
when I'm scared and want to be rescued
and in between the letters; it's always the same,
a boy in a blue wool knitted sweatshirt,
a girl singing simple songs of love and the tug
between her everlasting past and her present.
I'm sorry about the tears in your eyes
I wish they were mine
if the dead could see us, they would say your name louder
than I ever could
like a slap of gushing on the hull of a rocking boat
and I'm merely riding the tide
balanced on the biggest wave
the lavishments of silver conversation
have you ever felt
the voyeur of longing in
each pulsing breath ?
imagine a movie made out of love
now imagine that it isn't
imagine a world where nothing goes right,
where need against need are at cross roads
and we are all to blame
this story is a jittery time bomb,
tick tock goes the clock beneath my
normal life,
in my right hand the joy of small weird
primers of love jumping shrapnel
in my bloodstream
in my left hand the lavishments
of silver conversation
there are so many songs on the radio like this,
the ones that make me want to cry
but the musician is always smarter than you,
he yawns at what you've failed to notice in the dark
and the truth is, I'm not a romantic,
I'm a half-wit
please tell me I'm not the only one who sees this
I've lost the concept of salvation
trying to breathe in the very being
of someone without laying a finger
on their body
which brings us back to
the story on the hero's shoulders
trying to pull you out of burning buildings
and not without the abundance of violence
I'm in a bit of a mope,
hugging the dark parts of my thoughts
because they are the only ones
who have never let me go
but in wake of hope that you
might just sit and
talk a bit
but you never come through
the chemistry in our bodies
the voyeur of longing in
each pulsing breath ?
imagine a movie made out of love
now imagine that it isn't
imagine a world where nothing goes right,
where need against need are at cross roads
and we are all to blame
this story is a jittery time bomb,
tick tock goes the clock beneath my
normal life,
in my right hand the joy of small weird
primers of love jumping shrapnel
in my bloodstream
in my left hand the lavishments
of silver conversation
there are so many songs on the radio like this,
the ones that make me want to cry
but the musician is always smarter than you,
he yawns at what you've failed to notice in the dark
and the truth is, I'm not a romantic,
I'm a half-wit
please tell me I'm not the only one who sees this
I've lost the concept of salvation
trying to breathe in the very being
of someone without laying a finger
on their body
which brings us back to
the story on the hero's shoulders
trying to pull you out of burning buildings
and not without the abundance of violence
I'm in a bit of a mope,
hugging the dark parts of my thoughts
because they are the only ones
who have never let me go
but in wake of hope that you
might just sit and
talk a bit
but you never come through
the chemistry in our bodies
my name is red
1.
I woke up on the hospital bed right after the accident a year ago a completely different person. Siamois is a French word meaning ‘ Siamese Twins ‘ that I was more or less obsessed with when I was younger because two Latvian artists whose work I followed had the word tattooed on their collarbones to signify their love for each other, I suppose. I remember this like I am the Devil occupying the space between two men and I feel its guilt like I am the Devil convincing them to go further, beyond the point of no return. I should have left footprints in the snow and hold on tighter.
I woke up on the hospital bed right after the accident a year ago a completely different person. Siamois is a French word meaning ‘ Siamese Twins ‘ that I was more or less obsessed with when I was younger because two Latvian artists whose work I followed had the word tattooed on their collarbones to signify their love for each other, I suppose. I remember this like I am the Devil occupying the space between two men and I feel its guilt like I am the Devil convincing them to go further, beyond the point of no return. I should have left footprints in the snow and hold on tighter.
2.
I woke up in the hospital right after the accident a year ago a completely different person. next week is the first anniversary of my accident. I am two twins on two motorcycles. the first brother will want to take you apart. the second brother is younger, less world-weary. he only wants to stitch you back together. be tolerant and responsible. both twins have stubby fingers and shiny hair and both motorcycles ride the same speed in the opposite direction.
I woke up in the hospital right after the accident a year ago a completely different person. next week is the first anniversary of my accident. I am two twins on two motorcycles. the first brother will want to take you apart. the second brother is younger, less world-weary. he only wants to stitch you back together. be tolerant and responsible. both twins have stubby fingers and shiny hair and both motorcycles ride the same speed in the opposite direction.
3.
I woke up on the bed right after the accident a year ago a completely different person. I am two twins on two motorcycles. it more or less felt like I woke up from a long, lucid dream and nothing the last 21 years really happened, but it did. everyone conveniently left so there was no one to help me make sense of things, to tell me that I’ll be alright or that my favorite color after white is green. one brother is by the road on his motorcycle, waiting for the other. the other has a flight tire on the other side of the road. they are the same and they are not the same. They hate each other for it.
4.
I woke up on the hospital bed after the accident a completely different person. the hardest thing was that no one really truly remembers a dream after waking up and it terrified me that I had to wake up all alone and not remembering what kind of person I was. two brothers are fighting by the side of the road. two motorcycles have fallen over. spilling black engine oil sipping into the soil. four hands with five stubby fingers on each hand clench. four hands with five stubby fingers on each hand swing.
I woke up on the hospital bed after the accident a completely different person. the hardest thing was that no one really truly remembers a dream after waking up and it terrified me that I had to wake up all alone and not remembering what kind of person I was. two brothers are fighting by the side of the road. two motorcycles have fallen over. spilling black engine oil sipping into the soil. four hands with five stubby fingers on each hand clench. four hands with five stubby fingers on each hand swing.
ī
5.
I woke up on the hospital bed right after the accident a year ago a different person. until today, I’m torn between the person I was and the person I am and honestly I don’t know if there’s a difference. I don’t know if I still think alike or speak the same way. I don’t know if I still have the same old habits, the same walk, the same fascination towards topics that made me giddy and kept me up all night. two twins grapple by the side of the road. their swollen fists make their fingers look stubbier than usual. do not choose sides. it is crucial that you remain impartial.
5.
I woke up on the hospital bed right after the accident a year ago a different person. until today, I’m torn between the person I was and the person I am and honestly I don’t know if there’s a difference. I don’t know if I still think alike or speak the same way. I don’t know if I still have the same old habits, the same walk, the same fascination towards topics that made me giddy and kept me up all night. two twins grapple by the side of the road. their swollen fists make their fingers look stubbier than usual. do not choose sides. it is crucial that you remain impartial.
6.
I woke up on the hospital bed right after the accident a year ago.
I’m stuck carrying this ‘Siamois’ from this ‘dream.’ I have no twin brother. I have never experienced anything this ferocious or this lonely and every one is pretending they haven't seen a thing.
I woke up on the hospital bed right after the accident a year ago.
I’m stuck carrying this ‘Siamois’ from this ‘dream.’ I have no twin brother. I have never experienced anything this ferocious or this lonely and every one is pretending they haven't seen a thing.
7.
I’m very, very tired
most days I wish I didn’t open my eyes
and my favorite color now after white is red.
I’m very, very tired
most days I wish I didn’t open my eyes
and my favorite color now after white is red.
monster
I made a monster
from taking parts of myself
that makes me uncomfortable
I made his body from my vanities
and his head from my bad thoughts
his hands from my insecurities
and his feet from my bad timing
I became the very monster I vowed to
protect myself from
it should be enough,
trying to create
something beautiful
it should be,
but it isn't.
that's how it starts
you cry before you can take
your first deep breath
you're ripped into being alive
and there is pain
and life is suffering
like a high pitched screech
buzzing in your ear that
never goes away
or a feral animal clawing
at the back of your skull
I have jumped from tall structures
and hoped no one would be stupid enough
to catch me
I have ended relationships for fearing people
would leave or, God forbid, love me
some days I am the mess
and some days I am the broom
and on days that I have to be both,
I can't seem to find the Sun
even if I'm in a desert
on a scorching hot day
because life doesn't feel like blue
or gray skies
it feels like no sky at all
I was told
I could live on the Moon
but I think I'd miss
the moonlight after a day
from taking parts of myself
that makes me uncomfortable
I made his body from my vanities
and his head from my bad thoughts
his hands from my insecurities
and his feet from my bad timing
I became the very monster I vowed to
protect myself from
it should be enough,
trying to create
something beautiful
it should be,
but it isn't.
that's how it starts
you cry before you can take
your first deep breath
you're ripped into being alive
and there is pain
and life is suffering
like a high pitched screech
buzzing in your ear that
never goes away
or a feral animal clawing
at the back of your skull
I have jumped from tall structures
and hoped no one would be stupid enough
to catch me
I have ended relationships for fearing people
would leave or, God forbid, love me
some days I am the mess
and some days I am the broom
and on days that I have to be both,
I can't seem to find the Sun
even if I'm in a desert
on a scorching hot day
because life doesn't feel like blue
or gray skies
it feels like no sky at all
I was told
I could live on the Moon
but I think I'd miss
the moonlight after a day
I'm a mess of conflicting impulses
a walking, breathing contradiction
I want to be alone and isolated
but I also want to belong and share
and be told that I make perfect sense
I want to make a home that didn't feel
like a prison
I want to not look at slipping my veins
as a glowing green exit sign
because I am more than just one thing,
and not all of those things are good
and not all of those things are bad
I want to learn to make clouds with
only my breath
and give the World more
but not everything
I want to know where the World ends
and where it begins
I want to tear them apart
and pin them down
and pretend that when I woke up
on that hospital bed
that there is no old me,
nor a new me
ripped into being alive
After You'd Gone
I wonder,
after you'd gone,
if you strip my flesh clean
off my bones
and hang me towards a bright light
will you see my soul
only for how battered, bruised and
broken it is
I wonder if then,
you could see how much
my heart is bleeding
sometimes
I can hear the synovial fluid in
all 206 bones in my body
pop, crack and strain
under the weight of all
the lives you and I could've lived
I regret that it takes a lifetime
to truly know how to live
and I spent mine learning to
feel less
learning the
catastrophic history of you and me
and the feeling
of spending six years
six leagues
beneath the bottom of the sea
because I didn't just want to be
your fucking sweetheart
I wanted to be the love of your life.
memories of you are sometimes
so overpowering
you are the oceans surrounding the lands
and I was a boy who loved your waves
and sometimes loved you in waves
but I was completely afraid
to swim
I'm afraid of losing
something or someone
I love that I refuse
to love at all
and yet when I first met you,
I had the greatest urgency to know you.
it seemed like you could know me,
like you could understand
anything I told you
even though I was in a place
where nobody understood my heart
not even a little bit
because
my heart isn't like the Moon,
going through phases
it is like the Sun
burning bright and hot with fear
and anger
burning anything that comes too close
but I cooled down for you
I let you touch me,
hold me
and kiss me
and yet somehow
I burned brighter around you
or at least I did
I never could move mountains
on my own
much less move them for you
but I always thought we could've climbed them
together
if only you knew how beautiful you are
you'd fall at your own feet
the way I fell for you
I always thought that we couldn't resist
the earthquakes beneath each other's skin
bare and vulnerable
I felt you slipping through
the cracks it leaves us
I'm sorry I couldn't
turn the inside of the chest
a place you'd want to call,
'Home"
all these years,
I've been made to feel
that it's easier to see myself
as a prison no one should enter
and I'm finally starting to believe
as I drive along the shore alone,
the heavy palms kissing the wind
as the Loved do not care
and the Damned come back
begging to fuck me,
I will not flinch
and I will not forget
your kind eyes and
the warmth of you
who made me
laugh again
after you'd gone,
if you strip my flesh clean
off my bones
and hang me towards a bright light
will you see my soul
only for how battered, bruised and
broken it is
I wonder if then,
you could see how much
my heart is bleeding
sometimes
I can hear the synovial fluid in
all 206 bones in my body
pop, crack and strain
under the weight of all
the lives you and I could've lived
I regret that it takes a lifetime
to truly know how to live
and I spent mine learning to
feel less
learning the
catastrophic history of you and me
and the feeling
of spending six years
six leagues
beneath the bottom of the sea
because I didn't just want to be
your fucking sweetheart
I wanted to be the love of your life.
memories of you are sometimes
so overpowering
you are the oceans surrounding the lands
and I was a boy who loved your waves
and sometimes loved you in waves
but I was completely afraid
to swim
I'm afraid of losing
something or someone
I love that I refuse
to love at all
and yet when I first met you,
I had the greatest urgency to know you.
it seemed like you could know me,
like you could understand
anything I told you
even though I was in a place
where nobody understood my heart
not even a little bit
because
my heart isn't like the Moon,
going through phases
it is like the Sun
burning bright and hot with fear
and anger
burning anything that comes too close
but I cooled down for you
I let you touch me,
hold me
and kiss me
and yet somehow
I burned brighter around you
or at least I did
I never could move mountains
on my own
much less move them for you
but I always thought we could've climbed them
together
if only you knew how beautiful you are
you'd fall at your own feet
the way I fell for you
I always thought that we couldn't resist
the earthquakes beneath each other's skin
bare and vulnerable
I felt you slipping through
the cracks it leaves us
I'm sorry I couldn't
turn the inside of the chest
a place you'd want to call,
'Home"
all these years,
I've been made to feel
that it's easier to see myself
as a prison no one should enter
and I'm finally starting to believe
as I drive along the shore alone,
the heavy palms kissing the wind
as the Loved do not care
and the Damned come back
begging to fuck me,
I will not flinch
and I will not forget
your kind eyes and
the warmth of you
who made me
laugh again
Her
all I ask
is to sacrifice this heart to the skies
hoping to resurrect as someone
malicious enough to no longer care about you
the first time I saw you,
every thing in my head went quiet
all the tics and turns of
greasy, rusted gears
just
disappeared
I could only think about
the hairpin curve
of your lips
and how good
happiness looked on you
you are the sleeping city beside me
streetlights, warm tar and cement
vast and familiar
a butterfly
flapping its wings across a mountain
moving somewhere inside me
and your fingerprints are all over it
you are like a shipwreck drowning in my chest
or the fight, the winning or
the losing battle
but I did not lose
someone who cared about me
You did.
wasn't I man enough for you ?
wasn't the honey dripping off
my fingertips sweet enough ?
you see, I wrote this on the backbone of
a tall white flag
so you'll know that
I've already given up
but pierce my lips with a broken promise
and I'll vomit one million reasons
why I should give you just
one more chance
I still remember you
like a dream tattooed to
the inner lining of my long term memory
and pressed in the basement of my eyelids
and most days I'm afraid I'll keep you there
shackled, tied and chained
to the most important
chapters of my life
how dare you still linger on my lips
your stuttering apology
and excuses
still ringing in my ear
you are a year ago
you are the ache in the empty
you are my favorite cold shower
and when people ask me
what my favorite moment is,
I will say you
I will always say you.
is to sacrifice this heart to the skies
hoping to resurrect as someone
malicious enough to no longer care about you
the first time I saw you,
every thing in my head went quiet
all the tics and turns of
greasy, rusted gears
just
disappeared
I could only think about
the hairpin curve
of your lips
and how good
happiness looked on you
you are the sleeping city beside me
streetlights, warm tar and cement
vast and familiar
a butterfly
flapping its wings across a mountain
moving somewhere inside me
and your fingerprints are all over it
you are like a shipwreck drowning in my chest
or the fight, the winning or
the losing battle
but I did not lose
someone who cared about me
You did.
wasn't I man enough for you ?
wasn't the honey dripping off
my fingertips sweet enough ?
you see, I wrote this on the backbone of
a tall white flag
so you'll know that
I've already given up
but pierce my lips with a broken promise
and I'll vomit one million reasons
why I should give you just
one more chance
I still remember you
like a dream tattooed to
the inner lining of my long term memory
and pressed in the basement of my eyelids
and most days I'm afraid I'll keep you there
shackled, tied and chained
to the most important
chapters of my life
how dare you still linger on my lips
your stuttering apology
and excuses
still ringing in my ear
you are a year ago
you are the ache in the empty
you are my favorite cold shower
and when people ask me
what my favorite moment is,
I will say you
I will always say you.
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