Something About Us

I'm losing her.

and she doesn't know it yet
the same inane conversations I try to make
carries the specks of dust settling
in the same specific place
every slur and every murmur that stole its way
out of my lips
had hope
like crashing waves and
roaring thunder
lingering behind them
hope as a present
because there is no future in nostalgia
but I wish there was a future with her

I'm losing her,

I watch her as her lashes flutter closed
and her eyes cemented on the ground
but not on me,
never on me
she sighs softly,
but it echoes through the room and right
under my skin
I grab her hand like I used to,
before the flecks of mascara
littered across the ball of her cheek,
before I realized that she would become so
permanent
but that was so long ago,
before I got used to
the curvature of her lips
and her hands molded against my palm.
now I'm used to it,
I'm used to
her hand searching for every excuse,
wiggling so slightly,
begging for release.
hesitantly,
I let her go.

I'm losing her.

I want to tell her
but she turns
I want so badly for my arms
to snake around her waist
and to warm her skin with my breath
I want to tell her as she struggles to sleep,
the nightmares she keeps from the World
forcing her awake
I want to tell her
that I lied when I said,
" I only like you. "
when it only took me a week
to know
and this long to say.
but it wouldn't matter,
its not my name her heart jilts to
its not my voice that throws her back into fond memories,
only stale ones.
when the fragile infrastructure of her heart
can no longer take it,
she doesn't look to me for comfort anymore
its not my skin she buries her face into
clinging on to my skin hopefully.
I know that she's heart broken
I know I am too.

I'm losing her.

I swallow my protests
hesitantly, I lift my hands
my fingers brushing along her skin
I'm hugging her but,
this time its different,
she tenses at my touch.
I'm losing her.
she freezes.
I squeeze.
she holds her breath.
my body eases closer.
" is everything okay ? "
she whispers, but doesn't move
I'm losing her.
" Yes. "

And I turn away.
blinking at the empty wall,
every step heavier than the one before
I wonder if she can feel the crack in my chest
as it vibrates across the room
I wonder if she knows how sorry I am.
I want to tell her I'm sorry I'm not the person she wants
that I would change things if I could, make it all different

" I love you, "
I wished I said,
but I didn't.

I lost her.