Hello Deer

the first time
a woman made the first move
on me
was at a pop up market
filled with people
she smiled at me
and said,
" I like your jacket. "
I think that day
my eyes sinned because I saw
someone straight out of Heaven
even though I felt like Hell
I thought in a split second
I turned 70 and needed hearing aid
because I couldn't believe the
sweet lullaby that is her voice
was intentionally meant
for me

God knows
I tried to utter words
but I couldn't even manage a
pathetic whimper
what was I to say ?
" hello,
my name is Amsyar
and
I have social anxiety. "
didn't sound all that good to me
suddenly
I felt like I was in a game show
with only one question
standing in between me
and winning a million dollars
and frankly,
I didn't know the answer

what was I to say ?
I couldn't let her wait all day
it took every fiber of my being
every ounce of courage
I had within me
every single
syllable I still had left in my voice box
to come up with a reply
and it sounded a little like this
" thanks. "

and I got out of there
faster walking than
Usain Bolt
ever could sprinting
I got in my car
made sure I locked the door
twice
went home
made sure I locked the door
to my room
thrice
Anxiety sure is a bitch
and I am definitely its bitch

but
that was years ago
people come and go
and I am definitely a different man
if I could go back in time
back to that market
back to that moment
I would go up to her and say,

" hello,
my name is Amsyar
and
I think you're stunning
if you don't mind
I'd like to take you out
just so I could hear you
talk for hours
I'd like to know more about you
I want to know your birthday
and whether you like cats
I want to know if you prefer hugs over kisses
and I want to know which one I should give
when you're feeling sad
I want to know the best and worst day
you've ever had
I want to know which books changed your life
and how you like your coffee
I want you around like a natural disaster
like a virus needs a body
as soft tissue feeds on blood
my heart slams against my ribs
when I think of how long I've waited
to finally meet you
and now that I'm finally here
I need to put my hands
inside my chest
and hold my heart
to try and keep it still. "

but
time travel isn't yet possible
so I guess
I'll need to resist the urge
and reserve these words
for another person
on another day