I don't want you thinking
that you're not my cup of tea
just say
where you wanna be
I'll take you anywhere you want to go
I can turn you on
I can make you happy

I always thought
when something loved will be taken away
I will fall to the ground and cry
I will get down on all fours on the floor
and wail
yet
when it finally came
much, much later
of course
to my surprise,
I was standing and breathing

the last I saw you
I've been replaying in my head
you smelled like you weren't mine
and that's okay
often one thinks love
is trying to protect one's other
their
innocence
from the filth of this world
one thinks its an obligation to protect
from the pain the chest feels
yet one often forgets
how you are the pain
you are the filth
and you realize
you have the power to hurt someone
someone you claimed to
love

what you are
is
late night coffee
and stale cigarettes
I tell myself how all this
will ruin me
this is not harmless
this is not okay

I lay at night
and I don't want anything
I don't move
not sure I could even if I wanted to
I just lay there
with blood in my veins
it doesn't make sense to me
I kill myself so you can't kill me
you can't hurt me even if you tried
you have nothing

everyone needs a place
and mine
isn't in you

do not
let my name escape your lips
ever
again