Goodfellas

a conversation
with a friend last night
over Swiss chocolates
and cigarettes left me
deeply
wounded

" to be honest, I miss the man I was before. "

the man who would
not only take a bullet
but riddle his house with gasoline
and set it to flames
just to see his body turn to ash
and watch as the wind blows it away
in the middle of fucking no where
to lose this petty race against time
and history
only to see a smile
on a lover's face
the man
incarcerated to his woman's wants
and needs
her words are his gospels
and her happiness is divine

I guess he and I
had a lot in common
in a heart beat
we would gladly get on our knees
and beg
while our women spit on our faces

" but look where I am now,
I'm happy.
I've everything I could ever ask for. "

an epiphany
once struck me
about the joys of loving an asshole
at age 12,
when you've only started
learning to talk to girls
assholes have already had 5 girlfriends
play the guitar and started smoking
at 15,
they've had their first drink
their first fuck
and guess what,
they've even started going to the gym
while you are in your room too busy being a virgin
at 17,
you are still a virgin
while they drive fancy cars
go to fancy parties
fuck a different girl every week

women " friendzone " you for assholes
not because they love them
but because
assholes
can do everything you can
but
better
and you,
you're just so
fucking boring

" for once, let it go.
do the bad thing, break the rules.
be an asshole. "

for years
people have come up to me
telling me I could have
had a very different life
I could have had any girl
I wanted
but instead I chose to love
instead I chose to
feel

and if I do things
differently now
I don't know if
I'll ever come back



" have fun getting your fucking heart broken. "